My first individual client was a good friend of mine, let’s call her “Beth.” I’m not sure how often psychologists—whether trainees or fully qualified—work with their friends, but in my case, it just made sense. I needed hours to complete my training, and Beth wanted help with her motivation to live a healthier lifestyle. It felt like we could create something mutually beneficial. She was eager to support my development, and I genuinely cared about her and wanted to help her reach her goals.
We had an open discussion about what this arrangement would look like, how much it would cost, and what each of us expected—just like I would with any other client.
Now, you might be wondering, “Wouldn’t working with a friend create issues?” And you’d be right to ask. While Beth and I didn’t run into any major problems, we talked through potential challenges beforehand and agreed on how to handle them. Confidentiality was a big deal, as it always is, but especially in this case. Since we had mutual friends and often socialized together, we decided that she wouldn’t tell anyone she was working with a psychologist—let alone me. Similarly, I wouldn’t disclose that I was supporting a friend. This boundary helped us avoid awkward situations, like mutual friends asking me about Beth’s progress or process. Instead of navigating those challenges as they came, we opted to avoid them altogether.
With that settled, we got to work. Our setup was straightforward: one-hour sessions every two weeks, reviewed after six sessions. Beth wanted help with her lack of motivation to maintain a healthy lifestyle. This included things like improving her diet, exercising more regularly, and managing habits like phone use, stress, and time.
I could go into detail about everything we did in our sessions, but honestly, that’s not the most useful part. Instead, I want to share a few key lessons I learned from this experience.
1. Failing to Recognize the Primary Concern
This is the most important lesson I took away, even though it came to me after we’d finished working together. Looking back, I realize that if I had understood this earlier, many other things would have fallen into place.
Beth came to me saying she needed help with motivation. She was convinced that was the root of her problem, and I didn’t question it. After all, who was I to challenge what a client said they needed? At the time, I wasn’t confident enough to explore alternative possibilities, so I took her word for it.
And to be fair, it did seem to make sense. Beth wasn’t making much effort toward her health, had no clear goals, and struggled with self-discipline. Everything seemed to point to motivation as the issue.
However, one recurring theme in our sessions was her work-life balance. Beth worked as an IT consultant for a demanding company, often putting in long hours. By the time she finished work—frequently after staying late—the last thing she wanted to do was exercise or plan a healthy meal. She’d describe feeling mentally drained, saying she lacked the “capacity” to think about anything that required effort after work.
At the time, I saw my role as helping her uncover her why—her reasons for wanting to live a healthier lifestyle—and increasing her self-awareness around behaviors that kept her stuck. I thought I was on the right track.
It wasn’t until after we’d stopped working together that it hit me: Beth’s real challenge wasn’t motivation—it was her well-being, and how her work was impacting it. I had overlooked this because I didn’t think addressing her work-related stress and overall well-being was part of my role. But now I realize that if we’d focused on improving her well-being first, the motivation piece might have resolved itself naturally.
2. Trying to Do Too Much, Too Soon
Another lesson? I overcomplicated things by trying to tackle too many issues at once.
We started with a values exercise to identify what mattered most to Beth. The idea was that understanding her values would guide her decisions and actions—for example, if health was a top value, she could make choices that aligned with it. From there, we explored her “why” and set goals to encourage behavior change.
On paper, this all sounds logical, right? But in practice, I rushed through it. Instead of revisiting her values in depth, we moved straight to goal-setting. I didn’t take enough time to assess how each step was helping—or not helping—before moving on.
This led to me creating detailed nutrition and exercise plans for Beth and expecting her to implement them. While she wanted to follow through, she struggled to do so consistently. When she couldn’t keep up, she felt disappointed in herself and, at times, felt like she was letting me down too.
Looking back, this approach didn’t give her the space she needed to process and progress at her own pace.
3. Ignoring Her Readiness for Change
Lastly, I didn’t pay enough attention to what Beth was ready for.
I assumed that because we’d agreed on a plan, we had to stick to it. But the truth is, Beth wasn’t ready to dive into forming new habits. She needed more time to adjust, but I pushed forward anyway.
This mismatch meant I was being more directive than I should have been. While there are times when a directive approach is necessary, this wasn’t one of them. Instead of helping, it created unnecessary pressure and made the process less effective.
Final Thoughts
While this all sounds critical, it’s important to acknowledge that our work was helpful in some ways, even if it wasn’t perfect. As my first client, Beth taught me invaluable lessons that I’ve carried forward in my career.
I’m incredibly grateful for her trust and willingness to support me as I was starting out. She gave me the opportunity to learn, grow, and refine my approach—and for that, I’ll always be thankful.
So, if you’re just starting out, remember this: every experience is a learning opportunity. Embrace your mistakes, reflect on them, and use them to grow.
Learn your lessons and ride them to the end.
Written by Natasha Bains
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